Heroine Spending diary She shared that she and her husband save for housing together, but do not discuss personal expenses and savings.
She is sure that in difficult situations it is better to rely on yourself. This strategy also helps to avoid conflicts.
Such conversations can provoke a conflict
I don't like it when they get into my wallet, and, accordingly, I don't get into someone else's. We have agreed on specific rules regarding the budget, and we have the norms. I don't talk about my savings and expenses. Or rather, we just don't ask each other about this, because, as it seems to me, questions about money in the family are a vast field for potential conflicts.
I always count only on myself, all my life. Relying on others seems to me too risky.
It's good to plan everything as if you have to do it alone, and everything else is rather a happy accident. Otherwise, one day you can find yourself in very unpleasant circumstances.
If there is enough money, the discussion will only take time
I have been married for 21 years. My wife and I have never known each other's income and do not discuss personal expenses. But somehow we raised a child, bought an apartment without a mortgage, made repairs from scratch, bought a car and periodically go on vacation. This is an absolutely healthy option for partnerships.
I don't know my husband's salary, but he doesn't know mine. Moreover, the incomes of both are different every month, they can vary greatly depending on the month. And somehow it doesn't occur to me every time on the fifth and twentieth to report how much came to the card or how much I spent on conditional manicures and cosmetics.
We are planning large purchases, there is enough for current expenses, savings are accumulating, and information about the exact or even approximate amount will not give anything. If both receive enough, the question of the partner's salary often does not arise.
I don't know my husband's income. I understand the order and I know what is enough for him. And if I'm unemployed, it's enough for both. He does not hide that all documents are in the public domain, but this information flies into one ear and immediately flies out of the other. This is all because the correspondence of income and expenses has already been established. There is definitely money for habitual and mandatory spending, it accumulates for wishes - not in two months, then in six months. For something big – not in five, then in seven years.
Emma says, In my opinion, with age, with salary, everything is approximately clear to the eye. You can see how a person is dressed, what he rides.
For the past six years, we've been living under the same roof all the time, so I'm roughly aware of my husband's cost and expenses. This is quite enough. In general, I still don't understand what a specific figure would give me so specially.
For example, when I left work for nowhere, I had money to sit quietly at home for a month. My husband offered to sit for two and supported me: he just bought everything I needed and gave me money for gasoline and coffee. This does not require an indication of the amounts.
It is unpleasant to control and report
Everyone receives a salary on their card, everyone pays their expense items without reporting to a penny on what they spent. It is strange to me when partners thoroughly know everything about each other's income and expenses.
I can only judge from my own experience, but excessive control adds nervousness. It is enough for me for my partner to cover his financial obligations: for example, the husband buys groceries and takes care of the car, and the wife pays for utilities and buys food for the animals.
Ava says,
Men do not like to report. A few years ago, we carefully kept records of income and expenses. And I remember how my husband suffered, remembering his purchases, and a month after summing up the results, he was disingenuous: they say, in fact, he earned more, but forgot to tell me.
Recently, my husband reported expenses for the month and named his approximate income. But I don't really believe it: the statistics on the issuance of his card are unreliable, plus there is cash.
Yes, I really don't know about my husband's income and I admit it. I can guess about the savings, because sometimes I prompt him about deposits. This is such an undermodel. I decided that it was more important for me to deal with my spending and understand the structure of my wallet than to wait for my husband's report.
Questions about money can violate a partner's boundaries
Maria says,
My husband often says that I, like Ron from Harry Potter, have an emotional range like a toothpick. I am impressed by the restraint and lack of the habit of digging into questions to relatives. I don't know how much my husband earns, and I don't suffer from it in the slightest.
I don't know my husband's salary. I know what my parents worked for, the size of the pension is not. I can conditionally estimate. The question is why? They have enough to live on, I can see it.
For me, this is a matter of boundaries. I try not to ask questions to others if I am not ready or willing to answer them myself. And it doesn't matter if it's a relative who is not chosen, or a fellow traveler on a tram. I see a lot of examples around when after such stories people sit on their necks and go: they ask for a loan and do not pay it back, they press on pity. At a certain point, it gets so tired that you really prefer to step away.
Knowing everything about each other is boring
I suppose that if we demanded a full account from each other, in five years the marriage would go crazy with boredom. And so my husband only at the age of seven, when he was on a trip to Mexico, found out that I spoke Spanish, and was pleasantly surprised. And I was pleasantly surprised by the new car of a higher class than I expected. We have been living together for 13 years, and it is quite enough for me that my husband is ready to invest. It is not in my rules to control adults.
Sometimes it is calmer to live in ignorance
Dave says, My wife does not know the exact amount of my income, because we agreed not to discuss this topic. At the beginning of our marriage, she earned almost twice as much as me. She was disgusted that her husband earned less, and this reaction of hers began to make me cringe. To stop this warping, we stopped talking about this topic.
Soon I began to earn more, but the tacit agreement remained. By default, it is assumed between us that I should earn a lot.