As dictionaries say, "the family is a small social group based on marriage, consanguinity or adoption and bound by a common life, a relationship of mutual assistance and mutual responsibility." And this, in turn, should be based on mutual respect, mutual acceptance and mutual love. And we can accept and even more so love only what we know! And whether we know our partner (and ourselves) is still a question!

And so the family! The family is a union of two free, self-sufficient (as many people think about themselves) personalities. The family is a living organism that is constantly undergoing changes. The family is a micromodel or even an analogue of the state. The family is a system. Family is a way of life!....

The beginning of the existence of the family is considered to be the moment when two adults, a man and a woman, unite. I want to note that the agreement on the establishment of a family does not lose its force even in cases where it is not legally formalized. At the same time, I ask you to draw your attention to the fact that each of the new partners already has their own set of life experience, perception of the world and worldview. And also their values and expectations, both conscious and unconscious, starting with the values associated with self-determination, and ending with whether to exercise, have breakfast and take a shower in the morning.

The family is "apples in a basket." They are all in one place (united by a basket), but each remains an independent apple (like any family member, it always remains an independent person). To make living together possible, these two sets of values (two ripe apples) need to be brought into line over time. Namely, each of the spouses should abandon some of their ideas, inclinations and even reconsider their values and attitudes. Everyone must learn: listen, hear, trust, yield, see and respect in a partner an independent person. At the same time, a small partial loss of self-individuality is possible, but a sense of belonging to the system, to the family, to the union is acquired. "Partial loss of self-identity" is a pretty rough word. In fact, there must be a lapping, a kind of turning of two separate mechanisms, for them to work together in a single system. Like gears in a clock.

Unfortunately, in some families, the lapping process can be delayed and go into the "chronic stage" and even into the stage of confrontation, into the stage of constant struggle.

"A healthy marriage is a mixture of initially distinct cultures. Marriage often begins with an illusory belief that you are made for each other and that whatever you desire, so does the other party. The feeling of euphoria is soon replaced by clashes with the reality of everyday life. In order to be able to rise above the ordinary, you must distance yourself from the position of "he" and "she" and look for a new "we".

Finding a family optimal balance, for many couples, is a big problem. Family is a way of life. The family does not arise immediately, not after the stamp in the passport, not after the wedding, but only over time after mutual joint lapping, through joint efforts, the separation of life's burdens and joys between partners. A family is a building, a temple, which is built, erected only by joint efforts. You can't build a family alone, you can't create one. And if this work is collective, partner, then it would be nice to find out what kind of building your partner is going to build. After all, everyone builds a "temple of the family" primarily for himself (although not everyone admits this to himself, saying and even believing that the family is worth it for his beloved.

What interests, what needs and what in general does everyone "build"? It makes sense to discuss these issues with your partner. Perhaps already here you will find a lot of new discoveries. And, what if the family has already been created? That?.. The family is a living system that is constantly undergoing changes. So, it is never too late to discuss, discuss and renegotiate these and many other issues!

What kind of families are there?

Currently, many varieties of marriage unions are represented in human society on Earth. Let us dwell briefly on their most typical forms:

1. A traditional family is a working spouse and a wife engaged in housekeeping. Or both spouses are working, and household chores are distributed between both.
2.  family – parents and children who are dependent on them.
3. Extended multigenerational family – parents, children and other relatives of spouses living together,
4. A mixed family is a family in which one of the spouses is the children's adoptive parent - stepmother or stepfather. Such marriages occur either after divorce or after the death of one of the spouses.
5. Childless marriage, usually repeated, when the spouses already have adult children from previous marriages and do not have new ones.
6. A single-parent family, as a consequence of an unsuccessful marriage or the birth of an illegitimate child.
7. Family with adopted children. There is a tendency to hide the fact of adoption from children, in contrast to Western countries, where this is not hidden and openly use the terms "biological" and "adoptive" parents. The issue is quite controversial and sensitive. It seems to me that at a certain age a child can (or even should) learn about the existence of his biological parents, if only the child is adopted, adopted, from those who are from the "test tube", I would hide this information. I want to note that the status of a parent has not the one who conceived, bore and gave birth, but the one who brought up! A parent is someone who cared, paid attention to the child, created the necessary conditions for harmonious development. nurtured personality.
8. Same-sex marriage is rare, not universally legalized and quite condemned by society.

To date, not all couples seek to legalize their marriage "A stamp in the passport will not make us happy," they say. Therefore, a large proportion of married couples are in an informal marriage. Often, the birth of the first child encourages parents to formalize their relationship.

With the emancipation of morals, the experience of premarital sexual communication, which does not pursue the interests of procreation, the birth of children, is widespread. Whereas in the past, only marriage made it possible to legalize permission for sexual relations. What used to be forbidden and condemned by society: sexual relations before marriage, children born out of wedlock, the intrinsic value of the intimate life of a man and a woman, has now become a common form of behavior. As a rule, people entering into marriage, to date, already have experience of sexual life. Of course, each partner has his own, of course, each partner has his own "level of permissibility in sex". And this must be taken into account and reckon with this. But everyone has it. In this regard, expectations and requirements for marriage are also changing. The expectations and requirements of partners for each other, and the conditions of existence of married couples are changing.

The very existence, integrity and development of marriage and family depends on the acceptance of the principles of love, community and cooperation. Without this, marital and family relations lose their meaning.

Family functions.

• emotional, sexual, sphere of spiritual communication;
• communicative (organization of intra-family communication, leisure and recreation, as well as the mediation of the family in the contact of its members with the media, literature and art, the influence of the family on the diverse ties of its members with the natural environment and the nature of its perception);
• household, social status;
• educational (the formation of the child's personality, the systematic educational impact of the family collective on each of its members throughout his life, the constant influence of children on parents and other adult family members);
• economic (social production of means of living, restoration of the forces spent on production of adult family members, management of their economy, availability of their budget, organization of consumer activities);
• reproductive (the birth of children, the continuation of the human race).

It is interesting to note that to this day in the psychological literature this list is presented in reverse order!? ... Although it is not a secret for anyone that now in family and marriage relations in industrially developed countries, especially in large cities, there is a tendency to reduce the birth rate, conscious childlessness. This indicates a change in the attitudes and principles by which people create families. This is not only and not so much the continuation of the genus (the reproductive function of marriage), but the union of two people who love each other. The family is already a union of spiritually close people who want to be together, communicate, support and entertain each other people.

Несколько слов скажу о том, что семьи делятся на:

Normally functioning (harmonious) families - which responsibly and differentially perform all their functions, as a result of which the need for growth and change of both the family as a whole and each of its members is satisfied. Simply put, it is a family in which a "golden mean" has been found or achieved in meeting the individual needs, desires and expectations of each family member. At the same time, please remember that the "golden mean", this balance, is not something unchanged, frozen once and for all. The family is a living organism in which "everything flows, everything changes." And this family harmony is achieved only by joint efforts, it is created and developed, and of course it changes an infinite number of times by the married couple itself in the process of life and interaction with each other.

Family happiness is carefully nurtured throughout our life together. We all need to remember the rule: "In marriage, we learn from each other and adapt to each other. And it happens throughout life."

Dysfunctional families are families in which the performance of functions is impaired, due to which the goals of family members and society as a whole are not achieved in the marital, parental, material and household and other spheres of life. And this hinders personal growth and can block the need to realize their abilities and talents. The causes of family dysfunction can be varied, these are: the personality characteristics of family members and the relationship between them, certain living conditions. As well as the lack of appropriate knowledge, skills, and most importantly desires and aspirations to harmonize relationships. Harmony in the family, as we have already said, is a constant conscious work.

Psychological studies have revealed the following motives "contributing" to the creation of dysfunctional marriages:

Running away from parents (Most often means (passive) protest against parental authority, inability to perceive life in all its real fullness. Such a marriage is most likely an attempt to compensate for one's own emptiness, rather than a way to enrich life. There is no need to run away from parents, there is a need to separate in a timely manner (separate), becoming an independent person who can and can take responsibility for himself;

Obligation or forced marriage (Marriage out of a sense of duty. Sexual intimacy was accompanied by a feeling of guilt that forced to marry (if there was a sexual relationship - she is obliged to marry), or as a vivid example: "a partner became pregnant - she is obliged to marry. By the way, men marry because of the partner's pregnancy in 6.7%, and women marry for the same reason only 4.3%. But after 3 -5 years, such marriages in 17, 5% are in pre-divorce condition; 70.5% of such "proper" marital partners regard their union as "generally satisfactory"; and only 11.9% of spouses are most satisfied with their family union (although it began with "duty").

Loneliness (Feelings of longing, inner emptiness. Self-sufficiency may not be mentioned here. Perhaps there is a feeling of loneliness due to moving to one's place of residence and / or for other reasons, but it is always an escape. In this case, running away from oneself, and this is "hopelessness").

Love (For the motives of love, men create families in 39.1%, and women in 49.1% of all cases of marriage, while the maximum satisfaction with marriage in such families is 37.9%, satisfaction is average in 41.8%, the remaining 20.3% - pre-divorce state).

The Consequence of Tradition (Parents' Initiative: Here the question is appropriate: "Who and for what purpose creates a family? Am I for myself or am I a parent/"tradition-keeper" for someone's good? In this case, there is no need to talk about love).

Prestige, the search for material goods (As statistics for the Russian mentality show, marriages of convenience, so far, account for only 4.1% for women and 2% for men of all reasons for the conclusion of the union. At the same time, after 3-4 years in 95.7%, these marriages are in a minimal degree of marital satisfaction, in a pre-divorce state or "suffer, but still live together");

Revenge (About this motive of marriage, you can say nothing at all - and so it is understandable. Revenge, hurt someone, prove something to someone ... Perhaps this is with the relatives of rigid forms of masochism. With this motive, everyone suffers, especially children).

The Path to Conflict Resolution

One of the main signs of a healthy, harmoniously existing family, all psychologists consider the ability to satisfactorily resolve emerging conflicts. To do this, spouses must learn basic interpersonal communication skills.

Ability to listen, partner. Don't interrupt. This is especially difficult to do if your spouse starts screaming and blaming. Try not to be offended right away, even if the accusations are unfair. Do not interrupt with a return cry, understand his condition and let the anger come out along with the scream. Often the principle of ancient wisdom applies: "Jupiter, you are angry, so you are wrong", Let him "shout" to the end. Most likely, your spouse is irritated by something, or offended, or frightened. Or maybe his anger doesn't apply to you at all, he's in trouble somewhere else, then find the courage and be a therapist for your partner. Try to hear the essence of his claims without interrupting.

Ability to correctly and accurately understand the partner. This is facilitated by both attentive listening and the desire to understand, that is, the ability to perceive a point of view on a situation different from one's own, and recognize its right to exist. If you are not sure of the understanding, it is appropriate to ask clarifying questions: "You are angry that ..." Further options are possible: "Due to the fact that I did not gather quickly enough", "Due to the fact that dinner is not yet ready", "Due to the fact that you have a toothache" and so on. It is better to ask clarifying questions when the raging partner calms down a little. Before asking a clarifying question, it is sometimes appropriate and helpful to show that you understand your partner's feelings and acknowledge their right to experience them. You can say something like, "I see you're very upset right now." "What a shame! I'm just furious! I'm ready to tear everyone to rags!" – the wife does not calm down, "I understand that you are furious. What can I do to make it easier for you?" Such a dialogue is likely to turn the situation from confrontation to cooperation, because the spouse expressed his willingness to help solve the problem.

The ability to clearly, in a non-aggressive form express your thoughts, feelings, wishes in the form of approvals, censures or demands that do not humiliate or insult the partner. This art is worth learning. Before you say anything, evaluate who your statement is aimed at, the problem, or your spouse. Whether your goal is to eliminate flaws or hurt the person with whom you are arguing. The appearance in speech of generalizing words: "You are always ...", "And you never ..." - indicates the transition of the conflict to the next phase. This is the moment when it is best to stop and disperse to different corners without continuing the dialogue. At this stage, the situation can still be saved.

Some young spouses agreed to use a simple technique in order to extinguish conflicts in this phase. As soon as one of the spouses moved on to generalizing words, the other raised his hands up and shouted: Time out! Time-out! Break!" they fell silent, went in different directions and did not communicate for a while.

To use the Self is to speak, to speak of oneself, not to blame the other. You should talk about your feelings. To fulfill the previous point, you need to learn to talk in an argument about your feelings, about yourself in the first person, "I"; do not use the pronoun "You", replacing it with an impersonal, form or speaking in a third person, "they". Statements with the pronoun "you" we are accustomed to hearing since childhood. Usually these were accusations, the first reaction to them was defensive and defensive. "You didn't do your homework again! Options: "did not take out the garbage, did not wash the dishes, did not sweep the floor", And so on ad infinitum. An adult, hearing in his address YOU - a statement, defends himself and seeks to respond also with an accusation, like: "And himself ... !"

Let's look at some examples of different statements.

You are saying: "You again chatted on the phone for 2 hours with a friend, you don't know what! I'd rather serve dinner to my husband!"

I'm like, "I've been hungry for 2 hours, what can I eat? When I'm not fed for so long, I become disgusting and very, very angry." Or, "When some wives hang on the phone for so long, husbands feel lonely, abandoned, and don't know what to eat. They are ready to eat even their wife."

The wife's reaction to the first you - the statement will most likely be aggressive: "Do not interfere with talking! What, you can't eat yourself, or whatever! Get behind"

On me - the statement she will react differently. He doesn't blame her, he says he's bad, she'll want to fix it.

Exclude critical, evaluative, accusatory statements. You should also avoid criticism and negative evaluation of the partner, especially with regard to his appearance, personal qualities and achievements. If you constantly criticize the results of your spouse's activities, he will soon stop doing anything at all. Or he will do everything through his sleeves, just to untie. If you don't like something about your partner and if it can be fixed at all, express it as a wish. For example, instead of gurgling in the morning on Sunday, "Don't get to kiss me, unshaven cattle!" you can gently coo something like, "I'd be much more pleased to kiss a smoothly shaven, smelling cologne husband than with that prickly chin." Nevertheless, it should be remembered that the key to a happy family life is the ability to accept and endure differences without trying to remake the partner to your taste.

Despite the involvement of both husband and wife in the conflict, a marriage can develop and be sustainable and healthy if there is respect for the partner and trust in his attempt at self-determination. Another characteristic of a healthy marriage is a couple's ability to be guided by reason rather than emotion during conflict interactions, effectively dealing with disagreements. However, if the source of the conflict is the desire to change the other, and the basis, first of all, is emotions, it becomes a problem.

The very existence, integrity and development of marriage and family depends on the acceptance of the principles of love, community and cooperation. Without this, marital and family relations lose their meaning.

There is no family without conflict. But it depends only on the spouses whether these conflicts will be constructive, giving information and bringing new things to the relationship, or destructive, leading to divorce.

Therefore, in conclusion, I want to say - quarrel, but quarrel correctly and let conflicts be an extra reason for good reconciliation.

Family test for husband

If you choose "a" from the proposed answers, write down 4 points for yourself, if "b" - 2, for the answer "c" - 9.

1. How you distribute your household chores:

(a) Depending on the service

b) according to the inclinations, what each of you prefers

c) they are entirely on your spouse

2. Do you share work and personal problems with your wife:

(a) Yes

b) sometimes

c) None

3. Is there something about your behavior that constantly weighs on your wife: booze, rude attitude, women...

(a) None

b) yes, but not permanently

c) yes

4. Do you help her in crucial moments:

(a) Actions and advice

b) advice only

c) don't help

5. Are you interested in her health, goals, aspirations, hobbies:

(a) Of course

b) you don't have enough time for that

c) prefer to watch TV or play your favorite game

6. Are you happy with her successes, changes in the interior of the apartment, culinary surprises, her exquisite toilets, sports:

a) yes, you always encourage it

b) a little bit

c) None

7. Critically (in a friendly way, of course) whether you treat your wife:

(a) Yes

b) you are not critical

c) you can say that you are harsh

8. Do you listen to her opinion:

a) yes, you take it into account, take it into account

b) sometimes when she insists

c) None

9. Are you demanding of yourself:

a) Very

b) a little bit

c) None

10. Do you take an active part in the care and upbringing of children:

(a) Of course

b) when there is time

c) None

11. Do you encourage children to participate in household help:

a) yes, you yourself help your wife in the household

b) you talk to children, instill in them that it is important

c) None

12. Do you teach children to be attentive to their mother:

a) yes, you yourself are attentive to it

b) you tell them it's important

c) None

13. Do you maintain the authority of the wife in the eyes of the children:

(a) Of course

b) not very good

c) None

14. When you argue, then:

a) listen to each other carefully

b) strive to listen to each other, but this is not always possible

c) in most cases, the dispute develops into a quarrel

15. Are you self-critical during an argument:

(a) Usually yes

b) try

c) None

16. You do anything to correct your mistakes:

(a) Yes, immediately

b) yes, but after some time

c) None

17. Do you have to be reminded that you need to leave your salary at home:

a) No, you don't need to

b) happens

c) you do not have common money, everyone spends their own

18. If we proceed from the fact that the concept of "head of the family" means the one who makes a greater financial contribution and distributes the family budget, then do you have any disputes about who should bear this "title":

a) no, you have a recognized leader in your family

b) each of you respects the opinion of the other in solving monetary issues

c) it happens that you challenge some decisions

19. Are there cases when you consider it necessary to consult with your wife, even if you are sure of the correctness of the decision:

(a) Yes, for the sake of her authority in the eyes of children

b) very rarely

c) None

20. Do you feel that you are satisfying your wife as a sexual partner:

(a) Yes

b) hardly

c) you have sexual incompatibility

21. Do you have extramarital affairs (sorry for the immodest question, but you understand that it is important):

(a) None

b) rarely

c) permanently

22. Whether you indulge her hobbies or favorite activities:

(a) None

b) when as

c) yes

23. Are you too keen on entertainment in your men's companies - football, fishing, tourism, maps:

(a) Not too much

b) the wife believes that it is too much

c) when as

24. Do you allow her to take the car when you need it yourself:

(a) Yes

b) if you can do without it

c) she gets behind the wheel only with you

25. How do you behave when your wife is driving:

(a) Calmly

b) give her advice, but only in critical situations

c) you teach it often

26. Are you in a hurry to go home after a long absence:

(a) Of course

b) not very good

c) None

27. Do you give your wife flowers and gifts on holidays:

(a) Even without a reason

b) sometimes

C) None

28. How you spend your holidays:

a) prefer to relax with my family

b) as the case may be

c) your tastes in how to spend your vacation differ

29. What qualities of your wife do you focus on:

(a) Positive

b) negative

c) I try not to do it

30. Are you happy to do what will please her:

(a) Yes

b) not always

c) None

31. How do you think you have in common with your wife:

(a) Love, friendship and common goals

b) habit, children

c) apartment, common property

32. If you had to choose a wife again:

(a) I would choose it

b) hardly

c) would make a different choice

Test Results

From 86 to 128 points

Your marriage is an equal union of two loving hearts. You are connected by friendship and common goals. You give a lot to your companion and usually get what you expect.

From 44 to 85 points

Your family relationships are harmonious. You contribute to the household and childcare. But you're not interested enough in your wife's personality. You make some mistakes in communicating with her. Think about it!

From 0 to 43 points

Specify what, in fact, connects your family: habit, children or common property? Isn't it time for you to become more demanding of yourself? Maybe you should be more interested in your wife? And if until now your home environment has been familiar, ordinary, make an effort, and then you may reach the soulfulness in the family that you probably lack.

Family test for wife

1. You prepare meals:

a) taking into account the taste of her husband - 6 points

b) to your liking - 2

c) according to a certain weekly menu - 4

2. Do you ever think that:

a) here is another day was stupid, without pleasant surprises - 2 points

b) if you weren't married, your life would be better - 1

c) your life is not easy, but it's still nice to be with him - 5

3. You were going to go somewhere together in the evening, but at the last moment your husband said that he was tired and would not go anywhere:

a) say that you are tired and prefer to stay at home - 5 points

b) cook a gala dinner at home - 6

c) get angry and think how to take revenge on him - 2

4. You doubted whether your husband violated marital fidelity (or someone hinted at it), and:

a) First of all, you think: "Am I also to blame?" - 6 points

b) prepare to take revenge - 1

c) believe that you should not pay attention - 3

5. When you were a little girl, you were most pleased with the game:

a) with dolls - 2 points

b) with children - 5

c) when with dolls, when with children – 4

6. When you were a child, you dressed in:

(a) Regular dress for girls - 5 points

b) preferred sports type of clothing - 4

c) trousers and shorts - 1

7. As a child, you preferred:

a) games for girls, for example, with dolls - 5 points

b) you played adults: teacher, doctor, model - 4

c) boys' games, for example, football - 1

8. How you behaved during the games:

a) have always been a leader - 2 points

b) ceded the initiative to others - 6

C) became the leader, but not immediately, but during the game - 4

9. You have agreed with friends to go somewhere together, but your husband is not in the mood:

a) You go alone - 4 points

b) cancel the meeting - 6

c) do what your husband tells you - 3

10. If your spouse cannot go on vacation with his family or just for a weekend, you:

a) go by yourself or with children - 4

b) stay at home with him - 5

c) you stay at home, but constantly reproach him - 2

11. My husband returned from work not in the mood:

a) you are trying to understand the reason - b points

b) be angry that he thinks only about his work at home - 2

c) guess what is the matter, but do not stick with questions - 5

12. If your opinions differ:

a) you remain in your opinion - 5 points

b) defend your position, even if it threatens to result in a scandal - 1

c) retreat, but then blame yourself for softness - 2

Test Result

Up to 25 points

That's not to say you're particularly happy in your marriage. You are inconsistent in your views. Do what you like, regardless of your husband's opinion. Nothing is likely to change in your relationship unless your conflicts stop.

0t 26 to 50 points

Вы миролюбивы, готовы, уступить ради своего спокойствия в споре, но не отказываетесь от собственного мнения. Вы умеете не только приспосабливаться, но и дипломатично «атаковать», когда считаете, что это необходимо, или когда чувствуете, что ваш брак под угрозой.

Более 50 очков

You are feminine, tactful, but also very determined. Sometimes, maybe, you are dissatisfied with your marriage, but you do everything to strengthen it.

Ability to listen to a partner

The ability to listen is a whole art, which is not inherent in everyone.

Test yourself for this skill.

1. What do you think is the purpose of a conversation with a man?

(a) The desire to get to know him better

b) the desire to express what I think on this or that occasion

c) share with him an opinion and discuss our point of view

2. Do you ask questions if you are interested in the topic of conversation with this man?

a) Yes, there is always something to ask him about

b) sometimes if I disagree with him

c) no, never

3. Have you ever changed your point of view after a conversation with your partner?

a) yes, quite often

b) sometimes

c) never

4. When you talk to him, then:

a) you say more

b) he says more

c) both speak equally

5. He wants to talk to you about a topic that you are not interested in, or share a problem that does not concern you. You:

a) think that this is a waste of time

b) think it will allow you to influence it

c) want to listen to help him

6. Which point of view suits you best?

a) Only a specialist can talk about complex problems

b) everyone has the right to express his point of view, if he knows how to express his thoughts well

c) specialists are not always good speakers to speak carefully about their problems

7. If you do not understand everything from what your interlocutor said, what will you do?

a) Stop him and ask for clarification of what was said

b) note to yourself what you were unclear to ask about it at the end of the conversation

c) in general, everything is always clear to you

8. When you are visiting and starting a conversation, then:

a) almost no one listens to you

b) everyone is silent to listen to you

c) you are not the initiator of the conversation

9. You are aware of the events of public life due to the fact that:

a) Watch TV

b) listen to the radio

c) read newspapers

10. Can you repeat a message heard on TV news or a song heard on the radio in the morning?

a) yes, always

b) yes, but it takes time to remember

c) no, you can't remember

11. Does it happen that when you are going to work, you sing something?

a) yes, usually the same song

b) yes, I hum different songs

c) no, never

TEST RESULTS

Sum up your points:

a b v

1 2 3

2 3 1

2 3 1

1 2 3

1 2 3

1 2 3

3 3 1

2 3 1

3 3 1

3 2 1

2 3 1

If you score up to 13 points you have a hard time listening to your partner and prefer to speak for yourself. Be careful – men don't like women who are too chatty. Everyone wants to speak for themselves and doesn't want to listen. If you want to please this person, you need to learn to listen carefully to him, otherwise you will never achieve success, he will run away from you after a few meetings.

If you score 14 to 25 points you are a very mediocre listener. You don't see conversations with your partner as the basis of communication. The recommendations are the same as above. Remember: men love to talk about themselves! Listen to your partner, keeping an interested expression on your face, otherwise you risk losing him.

If you score more than 26 points, you have a rare quality for a woman - the ability to listen carefully and speak in moderation. It's a pleasure for any man to communicate with you. With your ability to listen, you can please anyone. A man can always learn something useful from you. You know how to understand men – this is a wonderful character trait that needs to be preserved.

Do you love yourself?

Love can be directed both externally – to another person or people, and inward to oneself, beloved. Love is a broader concept than one of its parts – "Self-Love" and can manifest itself in different forms. Self-love has nothing to do with selfishness or narcissism. Love is a wonderful feeling that makes a person stronger, more confident, kinder.

1. Do you feel good the way you are?

("yes" - 5, "no" - 0)

2. Do you feel that you are haunted by failures?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

3. Do you correspond your act with the opinion of others?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

4. Do you have a habit of recalling previous conversations and situations in order to understand what other people have done in similar situations?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

5. Do you feel embarrassed when you are praised in your presence?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

6. Can you be alone for a long time?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

7. Do you feel an undoubted dependence between financial situation and mental comfort?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

8. Do you often fear that the worst will happen?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

9. Is it difficult for you to show your feelings to others?

("yes" - 0, "no" - 5)

10. Can you resist the human community in which you live?

("yes" - 5, "no" - 0)

From 1 to 15 points

You definitely don't love yourself. You expect bad things to happen to you, and admit it, these expectations of yours often come true. There are moments when you hate yourself and make bad decisions as a result. It's time to change. Think about it!

From 15 to 35 points

It's hard to tell if you love yourself. Surely you rarely think about it. You don't always use all of your abilities by paying undue attention to your weaknesses as well as the weaknesses of others. This can cause you to have a momentary dislike for yourself, the inability to distract from your own personality, to give others attention and love.

From 35 to 50 points

You love yourself, so you love others, which largely determines your success and cheerfulness. Thanks to this, you receive positive incentives from others, and the ship of your life sails. You feel your need and believe that life has meaning, in any case, you are able to give it the necessary individual meaning. You know how to evaluate the merits of others. It also helps that you consider yourself a person with merits and potential opportunities.

Seminar "About Love"

The need for Love is in 3rd place in the hierarchy of our needs, after food and security. Which indicates its real vital importance and even necessity for a person!

So what is Love?! Everything would be clear and understandable if the word Love were not one of the most ambiguous. Agree, we use this word too often, and each time we put a different meaning! We say , "I love sausages, cheese and sausage" and then we say "I love my mother." We say I love the Motherland and flowers, I love swimming and I love a child, I love my wife and brother, I love animals and barbecue, I love selflessness and money, etc. The word is one, but the shades and even the meaning are different!

Love even explains the actions: - a mother spanked her child, saying that it was because of love for him. The husband, with love for his wife, staged a brawl at home and the wife, because of the love for her husband, restores order after that. A vivid example of Love is the two sons of Taras Bulba, the eldest - Ostap is ready to give his life for his love for the Motherland. And the younger one, because of his love for the Pole, is ready to chop his fellow tribesmen with a sword. That's Love!! So what is Love??!

A.S. Pushkin, being a great connoisseur of love, wrote: "Love burns like a candle in a short moment and only ashes and a devastated Soul remain from it"! And on the fig it is needed then, This Love?

"Love alone – the fun of life okay

Love alone is the torment of hearts..." - TORMENT?!

He's a ".. blind Cupid is cruel and biased"

Victor Hugo on the same feeling: "Be afraid of love, it is fraught with danger. So in the lake the baby at first only looks, then bathes and drowns!"

Stendhal on Love: "Love is a competition between a man and a woman to give the other as much pleasure as possible."

№1. PSYCHOSEXUAL COMPATIBILITY?

As a rule, this is the beginning of our relationship with a partner. And for some, this is even the foundation of their relationship...

And at this stage, it is very important for us for our communication, and plays a big role for us, both the purely sexual characteristics of the partner, and the features of the physique, the reactivity of the body, the psychodynamic characteristics of behavior. And also the design of appearance (hairstyle, makeup, the ability to dress, etc.) is important. For this reason, the cause of dissatisfaction, at this stage can be not only sexual contact, but also the form of erotic games of our partner, the manifestation of sexual interest, as well as the appearance of the partner.

An important role here is played by the range of acceptability of our partner. The range of acceptability is all that each of the partners considers acceptable and normal for themselves in sex. And as you understand, these admissibility ranges for partners can be very different.

To preserve the union, you must always first respect human rights with a narrower range, which must be expanded gradually, consciously and you understand that this is not a task of one day. If the desire to achieve harmony is experienced by both partners, then this is quite realistic.

... It's a time of obsession. We fall asleep and wake up thinking of the Beloved Man! Parting with the Beloved, we experience very painfully. We dream of meeting... When we meet, we hold hands. Our hearts seem to beat in unison. Together we are like in paradise. This is a time of rash actions, long conversations on the phone. It is a time of flowers, gifts and poems!

I love you, though I'm mad,

Though this is work and shame in vain,

And in this stupidity unfortunate

At your feet, I confess!

... Yes, perhaps, at this time everything is to the maximum. Everything is bright, juicy and very emotional! That's real life! Life with a capital letter! Truly, it's a sweet time!

If at this sweet stage, we have not yet created a happy family, but continue to get married, then we can more easily pay attention to: temperament, character, needs and motives for the behavior of our chosen one. And this is the next level of the compatibility pyramid – it is INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPATIBILITY.

Once again, I want to say that at this stage we begin to pay more attention to the temperament, character, needs and motives for the behavior of our chosen one.

№3. INDIVIDUAL-PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPATIBILITY

If you arrange the temperaments in a row: choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, then we can assume that neighboring temperaments will get along better, worse - "through one" and the union of choleric and melancholic will not be strong at all. And this assumption is not unfounded!

But there is another opinion on this subject: "nervous characters strongly prefer an alliance with polar temperaments. Psychologists believe that there is a law of complementarity of attractions (which is lacking in one temperament, compensated by another, both an increase and a decrease in the degree of temperament). Got it?

My dear, dissimilarity of characters is one of the common causes of divorce. This is how about 1/3 of families break up. And the "dissimilarity of characters" is not only the formal reason for the disintegration of the family. "This formulation has its own psychological content. Character is a set of stability of individual personality characteristics, is formed and manifested in activity and communication, causing typical for the individual ways of behavior. He is always individual, so you can not talk about the complete coincidence of characters, it is better to talk about the proximity of character traits. But intimacy is not a condition for a harmonious relationship. So two egoists are unlikely to get along well, although this feature of theirs is the same.

I think at this stage, two people who love each other have already started a family. At least, most young people, and not only young people, have already at this stage fully understood their feelings and realized that this is "True Love". And of course, they completely understood their chosen one. It can only with the exception of some trifles, with which, it is quite possible to get along, to put up with, and in general, not to pay attention to them. He/she loves me all his life ahead and will do everything to make me feel good!

If at this sweet stage, we have not yet created a happy family, but continue to get married, then we can more easily pay attention to: temperament, character, needs and motives for the behavior of our chosen one. And this is the next level of the compatibility pyramid – it is INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPATIBILITY.

Once again, I want to say that at this stage we begin to pay more attention to the temperament, character, needs and motives for the behavior of our chosen one.

№3. INDIVIDUAL-PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPATIBILITY

If you arrange the temperaments in a row: choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, then we can assume that neighboring temperaments will get along better, worse - "through one" and the union of choleric and melancholic will not be strong at all. And this assumption is not unfounded!

But there is another opinion on this subject: "nervous characters strongly prefer an alliance with polar temperaments. Psychologists believe that there is a law of complementarity of attractions (which is lacking in one temperament, compensated by another, both an increase and a decrease in the degree of temperament). Got it?

My dear, dissimilarity of characters is one of the common causes of divorce. This is how about 1/3 of families break up. And the "dissimilarity of characters" is not only the formal reason for the disintegration of the family. "This formulation has its own psychological content. Character is a set of stability of individual personality characteristics, is formed and manifested in activities and communication, causing typical for the individual ways of behavior. He is always individual, so you can not talk about the complete coincidence of characters, it is better to talk about the proximity of character traits. But intimacy is not a condition for a harmonious relationship. So two egoists are unlikely to get along well, although this feature of theirs is the same. Questions, On this level?

Well, I think at this stage, two people who love each other have already started a family. At least, most young people, and not only young people, have already at this stage fully understood their feelings and realized that this is "True Love". And of course, they completely understood their chosen one. It can only with the exception of some trifles, with which, it is quite possible to get along, to put up with, and in general, not to pay attention to them. He/she loves me all his life ahead and will do everything to make me feel good!

№2. SOCIO-EDUCATIONAL COMPATIBILITY OR FAMILY-ROLE-PLAYING AND SOCIO-CULTURAL LEVEL

At this stage, people begin to pay attention to all sorts of little things in the relationship. As the saying goes, "The farther into the eye, the thicker the logs!" ....

Here people begin to be interested in issues related to the distribution of family roles and responsibilities. Partners begin to decide what kind of burden each partner takes on. And as a result of these decisions, it is either the cooperation of marriage partners, in the implementation of family functions or the struggle for their independence.

Simply put, this is where compatibility becomes important to people in such matters as: why does a family exist? What should it bring to each partner? What duties should each spouse perform? Who is the boss in the house? Who provides material prosperity? Who keeps order? Who is the leader in parenting? How it should be and how it is right! raise children? Such and similar, petty questions, may interest partners at this level.

Also, people can pay attention to their intellectual compatibility with a partner, as well as to the social status and social level of their partner. Two prime examples of complex unions: a mathematics professor (for example) and an illiterate one; an intellectual and a person far from culture; Mayor of the city and janitor, etc. This floor was completed. Moving on to the attic... At this, the last level, is:

№1. WORLDVIEW-IDEALISTIC COMPATIBILITY

I will give only vivid examples of mutual anti-compatibility. They are: one chauvinist, another fierce fighter for universal equality and fraternity; one believer, another heretic materialist; totalitarianism is democracy; The Earth is flat and rests on 3 whales (elephants) - no, the Earth is round and rotates in the circle of the Sun, etc. etc.

After reviewing the four levels of partner compatibility, it becomes obvious how many criteria there are for interacting with each other. Naturally, 100% compatibility is impossible - after all, each person has an exceptional and unique set of psychological, physiological, spiritual, social qualities and properties. Probably, the main thing in creating a harmonious union is not the desire to remake a partner. On the contrary, it is a desire to change oneself, to eradicate one's shortcomings, and not to seek them from a partner, constantly blaming him and picking on actions, thoughts, words. Respect and tolerance for another person allows not to destroy the union, but to preserve even when passion and love are gone!

..... My friends, you may notice that many families are built in the order in which we have considered these levels. Being in full confidence that the link in their relationship is Love. Actually, that's not entirely true! More correctly, such a union is shaken by Falling in Love!

So, what is Love?! And how is Love different from Falling in Love?

LOVE - If the world were inhabited by lovers, the crisis would engulf industry, business, the church, education and society as a whole. Why? Lovers lose interest in everything except the object of their love. That is why we call Love an obsession.

The euphoria of falling in love gives us the illusion of incredible intimacy. We feel like we belong to each other. We believe that we will overcome all difficulties. For the sake of another, we are ready for any sacrifices. As one young man said of his beloved, "I will not do anything that could hurt her. I wish her nothing but happiness. For her sake, I'll do anything!"!

During the period of Love, the ability to reason leaves us, we say and do what we would never do in the usual "sober" state. And, waking up from the obsession, we often ask ourselves, why did we do this? How could I be so wrong? What was that!?

..... When we are in love, it seems to us that there is no trace left of our egoism. We become something like Mother Teresa. We are ready to give everything for the good of our beloved. It's so easy for us to believe this by the fact that we think our beloved is experiencing the same thing. We believe that our beloved is ready to do anything for us, that he loves us as much as we love him and will never hurt us.

To think so is a mistake. Such thoughts are not true. Man is inherently self-centered. The world revolves around each of us. No people are completely sacrificial. Only Falling in love creates such an illusion!

And as soon as the love has outlived its usefulness (on average, 2 years), we return to the real world and begin to defend our rights. He and she have desires, but they are different:

• He wants sex - she's tired,
• He wants to buy a new car - she says it's bliss, stupidity,
• She's to her parents – he's like, "We're already too often with them."
• He's on football – she's like, "Football is more precious to you than me."

These are already two different people and they think differently. They're no longer in love. Now they can give up, disperse and go in search of a new love. Or they will begin the hard work and learn to love each other when the blissful state of Love has passed.

..... There's a lot to be said for Falling in Love. Truly it's a wonderful feeling!! But the conclusion is this:

Falling in love is a genetically defined, instinctive component of mating behavior! In other words, Falling in love is a temporary destruction of the EGO! Falling in love is a standard human response to a combination of internal sexual impulses and external sexual stimuli. Thanks to her, the likelihood of sexual contact increases, which contributes to procreation.

That's right, my dear!! Just like that! Admittedly, Falling in love is a temporary emotional outburst!

"Falling in love is the flowers of the fruit tree of Love!"

Now about LOVE!

"True Love cannot be born until Love dies."

True Love is an act of will! It requires discipline and recognizes the need for growth. Love is a combination of mind and feeling. Among the basic human needs, belonging and love are on the

3rd place! After food needs and safety. Our main emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be truly Loved! And to know not instinctive love, but Love-Choice! "I need to be loved by someone who wants it, because I am worthy of Love!"

A loved one respects the partner, his psychological territory and his psychological boundaries. Love is born in freedom and cannot exist in captivity. A loving person knows his partner and realistically assesses his qualities. And in doing so, he accepts his partner for who he is and helps him grow personally and open up in his own ways.

"Mature Love is not possessive Love, it respects and admires the partner. Rather than using it to meet his needs. There is little anxiety and hostility in it (of course, it can make you worry about your beloved)."

Those who love Mature Love are independent of each other, autonomous, not jealous, but at the same time strive to help the other in self-realization. They are proud of their partner's victories. Lovers are generous and caring.

Mature Love says, "I can live without you, but I love you and so I want to be there. I will do everything in my power to help you realize your abilities optimally, even if it means that sometimes you will have to be far away from me and do something without me. I love you and so I want you to achieve everything."

An integral part of mature Love is personal responsibility! Each of us is responsible for the choice of his partner, his behavior, his reactions to the behavior of the partner and for its consequences. No one but ourselves can be held responsible for the feelings that arise as a result of our decisions, regardless of whether they are joyful or bitter. We have certain character traits that underlie our interactions, as well as characteristic patterns of behavior, addictions and expectations.

I would like to end this block with the words of Viktor Frankl: "If a person knows why, he performs this or that action, then he will be able to decide how best to do it."

....Be able to cherish love, to cherish it twice over the years...

Fairy tales

For those who want to change the World

Once upon a time, there was this man living in one city. I lived and lived until I realized at one point that our world is imperfect. This is normal, thoughts about the imperfection of the world come sooner or later into the heads of many people. But our hero was a very special person, he decided to change the world. He decided to make the world beautiful, friendly, good and perfect.

And this man said, "Give me seven years and I'll change the world!" And for seven years, this man met with heads of state, organized large-scale actions to change the world, attracted hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people to spiritual practices, worked all these years tirelessly. He became a very famous and respected man, but seven years passed. And the world: remained the same.

Then he said to himself, "It's probably very difficult to change the whole world. Therefore, I will change my country first, and the rest of the countries will see how good we have become, and will also change. It will take longer, but it will definitely change the world. Give me 700 days and I'll change the country."

He came to the president of the country, received all the necessary powers, because he was a respected and famous person. All these hundreds of days the man worked almost around the clock, he met with the heads of large factories, with the leaders of political parties, the heads of the regions and just popular actors and famous people. But after seven hundred days, his country was the same.

"Damn it!" the man said. "If I can't change my country, I will change at least my hometown! Give me 7 months, and I will change the city!" He met during this time with every resident of his hometown, he almost did not sleep during this time, he showed inhuman activity, but: the city remained the same.

Then the man was finally angry - he did so much for this world, for this country, for this city, and they remained the same. Then he decided to change his wife. And I took 7 weeks for it. And you probably already know the result. His wife remained the same.

Then the man sat down for the first time in many years and thought - maybe it is possible to change yourself first? He took seven days for himself. And seven days later, he changed, and when he changed, his wife, his city, his country and his world changed.

He and She

There were two of them, him and her. They found each other somewhere and now lived one life, somewhere funny, somewhere salty, in general, the most ordinary life of the two most ordinary happy.

They were happy because they were together, which is much better than being alone.

He carried Her in his arms, lit stars in the sky at night, built a house so that She would have a place to live. And everyone said: "Still, how can you not love him, because he is an ideal! And they listened to everyone and smiled and did not tell anyone that She had made His ideal: He could not be different, because He was close to Her. It was their little secret.

She waited for him, met and saw him off, warmed their house so that He would be warm and cozy there. And everybody said, "Still! How not to carry it in your arms, because it was created for the family. No wonder he's so happy!" and they just laughed and didn't tell anyone that She was made for a family only with Him and only he could be well in Her house. It was their little secret.

He walked, stumbled, fell, became frustrated and tired. And everyone said, "Why is He so beaten and exhausted, because there are so many strong and confident people around." But no one knew that there was no one stronger than Him in the world, because they were together, and therefore the strongest of all. It was Her secret.

And she bandaged His wounds, did not sleep at night, was sad and cried. And everyone said, "What did he find in her, because she has wrinkles and bruises under her eyes. After all, what should he choose young and beautiful?" But no one knew that She was the most beautiful in the world. Can anyone compare in beauty to the one they love? But that was His secret.

They all lived, loved and were happy. And everyone wondered: "How can you not bother each other for such a long time? Don't you want something new?" and they didn't say anything. It's just that there were only two of them, and there were a lot of them all, but everyone was one at a time, because otherwise they would not have asked about anything. It wasn't their secret, it was something you can't explain, and you don't have to!

From Mud to Princes

One day, a farmer's donkey fell into a well.

While the farmer was thinking about what to do, the animal made plaintive sounds for hours. Finally, the farmer made a decision, he thought that the donkey was already old, and the well should have been closed anyway. It just wasn't worth the effort to pull out the old donkey. He invited all his neighbors to help him bury the well. Everyone amicably took up shovels

and began to dig and throw the earth into the well.

The donkey immediately realized what was going on and began to emit a terrible screech.

Then, to everyone's surprise, he fell silent. After a few throws of land, the farmer decided to check and see how it was down there. He was amazed at what he saw there. With every piece of land that fell on his back, the donkey did something completely incredible. He shook and stood on top of the discarded earth. While the farmer's neighbors continued to throw the land into the well, each time the animal shook and stood on top of the poured earth. Very soon everyone was surprised, because they saw how the donkey rose to the top, jumped over the edge of the well and rushed forward like a burnt!

In life, you will meet, a lot of all sorts of dirt and every time life will send you more and more new portion. Whenever a lump of earth falls, shake and go upstairs and only in this way will you be able to get out of the well.

Each of the problems that arise is like a stone for crossing a stream. If you do not stop and do not give up, you can get out of any of the deepest wells.

Shake up and go upstairs!